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The stars remind me that I’m not unbreakable.

The stars remind me that I’m not unbreakable.

I wonder if this gif is really necessary considering my background and header here. OTL

Even though I like to pretend otherwise and act like everything is great, the stars are always there to remind me of everything I try to ignore. Well, unless it’s cloudy. Then it’s the howling wind that figuratively  knocks me down.

There is something about nighttime that is so intellectually and emotionally freeing that, while it may seem like a good thing, manages to make me overthink or even release all of the emotions I had been desperately holding in. Maybe it’s because there are less distractions, or perhaps it is because that’s the one time throughout the day that I’m left alone with my thoughts. Personally, I’d like to think it’s the freckles of the sky that evoke what I spend the day ignoring.

For the past couple of days I have been in a good mood, but it always goes away just as the sun does. Then I realize that the good mood has been nothing but me hiding how I really feel deep down; a scrambling tumbleweed of bitchiness, fearfulness, and even pain from recent events. Even I get fooled by this charade of jokes and giggles, but when I look up at the stars in the sky it all begins to hit me. It’s easy to get caught up by the burst of emotions and thoughts when you know that they are just meaningless specks; just a small and insignificant moment compared to the rest of your life and that of the stars. Suddenly it’s okay to cry or be mad or to be in a momentary frenzy because that’s all it is. This is something a friend and I had talked about for a bit while I was tipsy (and that might be the most adult sentence I have written in 2017 so far).

Last night, before it started storming, I went out on a walk and gazed at the stars. This is something I do every night, but this time was one of the moments where I had one of the previously described emotional tumbleweeds come up from its hiding place and rear its ugly head. And I finally let it out. I cried a little, hugged my pillow, and had a few Oreos – then I wrote a letter that I will never send to someone who will never read it about things I will never say to them – all before going to bed early and having a crazy dream that I have already mostly forgotten (aside from the fact that the Obama family were in my zombie apocalypse group, which was actually pretty cool).

It felt good to actually let it all out for a moment. I guess I just need to crash and burn for a couple of days and get it out of my system instead of shoving all my problems in the back of my closet (I told you guys it was getting cramped).

On a lighter note, does anyone else watch the stars every night? Because none of my immediate family does and neither does most of my friends, so I’m curious.

I looked for one of The Lion King gifs of Timon, Pumbaa, and Simba looking at the stars, but I found this instead. This made me laugh and hopefully you guys, too.
What makes you happy?

What makes you happy?

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, so instead of dwelling on it and crashing and burning, I am going to list off some things that make me happy. Maybe they will make you happy, too?

Baby elephants! Seriously, elephants are the purest creatures in the world.

Chubby cats! I want to call it Meatloaf.

This gif, holy crap. If I wanted to personify my anxiety or mood, it would be based on this.

Anime! The cartoons for adults (not like that, you perverts).

“Old” cartoons. Teen Titans was one of my go-to shows when I was a kid.

OLD cartoons! The Flintstones was a classic.

Ron Swanson’s laugh. I can’t not laugh when he laughs.

Rainy days! I sleep better and feel significantly happier when it drizzles.

Sleeping, dreaming, cat’s that are dreaming as they sleep. All of these are very important to me.

The night sky! Looking up at the stars at night makes everything okay.

Pizza… Food… If you looked at me and said that food has NEVER made you happy EVER, you’re lying.

If you’re ever in a bad mood and start to dwell on it, try thinking about the things that make you happy until you eventually make yourself hungry for a slice of pizza.

 

 

Crashing and burning and other things

Crashing and burning and other things

Holy crap, I almost posted this on the wrong website, which would have been insanely awkward. I only even realized it was the wrong website by complete accident. I’m so glad that I noticed before I posted it.

Anyways, I was going to include a pretty graphic for this to spruce up my blog a bit, but I am way too picky and way too tired to work on one right now. Maybe next time? I really need to get this place looking nice. Right now it just looks all bland. I wish I had the creativity to make this blog look more aesthetically pleasing.

So when I started this blog I had every intention to write here every week, sometimes even several times a day. I wanted to make this be like a public diary-ish personal (but not too personal) blog about my life, thoughts, dreams, and whatever else I could throw in here. Kind of for me to “record” random events in my life and to share it with people who may also find themselves in these predicaments. Unfortunately, since starting this on my birthday  back in August, I have not been so active or consistent with posting. I actually do have good reasons for this though.

First of all, my Internet is pretty unreliable in my area. It’s weird because we live somewhat in the city, so you wouldn’t expect there to be so many outages or screw ups. But there is and it sucks because I use the Internet for just about everything; school, writing, shopping, chatting with friends, gaming, etc. In this day and age, the Internet has become so invaluable that having so many outages can become so much more than just annoying. I think that for now everything might be okay, so now I get to catch up on a ton of things tomorrow morning and afternoon.

When my Internet is not acting up, I use that time to complete my class work – which is also one of the reasons for my inactivity. Man, I really hate college. If I were not so close to getting my degree, I would probably consider quitting. I actually thought that I would be finished last semester, but thanks to something messing up and my adviser not really advising me, I found out that I actually needed to take and pass four more classes before I could finally be done with it. I could not even take them all at once so that I could get it all over with because two of the classes could not be taken until one of the classes was finished, so now I am only taking two classes this semester and two classes next semester. Usually I take at least four, so I feel kind of silly for only taking the two. I also don’t feel so silly about it because these two classes are really kicking my butt. I actually wrote about them in my previous post, which explains how much I hate Math and accounting.

Real estate? Easy. Medical insurance? Piece of cake. Desktop publishing, biology, or even medical office and data management? No big deal at all. But try to get me to fill out a general ledger and income summaries and I will spend the whole time thinking about how easy it would be to just quit.

One of the other main reasons for my inactivity is something I call “crashing and burning” – which, after looking it up for the first time since beginning to use this phrase forever ago, I have found out it’s definition is to fail. For me, crashing and burning is when you suddenly have a bad day where you just need to let out some steam and everything you have been bottling up. I usually get these every once in a while, but lately it has become an every day thing. I feel like I am just here and there, and as if the spark in me is momentarily gone. I don’t get so excited or the excitement doesn’t really last. I actually just don’t feel like doing anything, and not in the lazy way either. I don’t really know how to describe it; I feel like I am existing rather than actually living. Is that confusing?

The only thing I could think of that kind of depicts what I am talking about is that episode of Fairly Odd Parents where Timmy wishes away his emotions. Except rather than having no emotions, I am either not caring at all or caring too much. Like I am emotionally numb or just emotional with no in-between. I really hate being this way, but nothing I do really helps. I am just kind of waiting on it to do as it always does and ease off, which I am sure will happen any day now. I honestly hate talking about it because I worry that people might overthink it and make a big deal of it, but I thought it would be good to actually talk about it and share it with whomever comes across this blog.

While I wait for this whole crash and burn time to fade away for a while, I am going to try to become more productive. So tomorrow I will be writing a ton of articles for the amazing Nerds and Beyond, and I will be working on some beautiful graphics for my next post(s). There is actually something I am working on and wanted to share here, but first I need to work out some of the details and decide on some things. I think I will write about it either tomorrow evening or the next day.

Welp, that’s all for tonight. It is pretty late now and I need to get up early, so I am going to head off to bed.

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