I usually don’t talk about how I came around to realizing my sexuality, but that’s because I’m actually super embarrassed of that story. It wasn’t anything exciting or even all that dramatic. Well, it was still a little dramatic, but not because I realized I was a lesbian. It actually just shows how naive and stupid I use to be as a teenager. However, since it is LGBT Pride Month, I’m going to share this story with you guys.
When I was 16 I had been in a long distance relationship for about a year with a slightly older boy in Canada that I met on a game. It was pretty good, but it wasn’t perfect. I mean, he was sweet and funny, but something just didn’t feel right. On top of that, I started to question his true identity. Some things were just not adding up, and that only made my doubts grow.
One night I was browsing Facebook to look for any shred of evidence if the guy (or his family that he introduced me to in chats) even existed. I searched every name I could think of and nothing came up. Finally, I searched the name of one person that I knew was legit because we had talked a couple of times using her grandmother’s Skype. It didn’t take long after that for me to find the truth.
In case you couldn’t tell yet, the truth is that the slightly older boy in Canada (and all of his family, for that matter) was really his friend, the slightly younger girl from Brazil that I had Skyped with. Learning that someone you were so close to lied about nearly everything they had ever told you is a lot like getting hit in the head by a random brick. You’re not sure why it hit you or who threw it, but once you finally come to everything is confusing, your head hurts, and you’re left feeling pissed off. Except, unlike getting hit by a brick, part of me felt relieved.
Suddenly a door opened for me that I didn’t even know existed, and when it did everything actually made sense. I no longer felt guilty about not feeling right about me being with a guy. I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me for never having crushes on any guys my whole life. There was never anything wrong with me, I was just gay. I was always a lesbian even before I realized it. Everything made sense to me and I felt so relieved by that feeling that I was more focused on the relief of knowing there was nothing wrong with me than I was about the girl lying.
Now I am proud of and strongly embrace my true sexuality rather than being ashamed and unhappy with the one that felt forced upon me by the expectations of my family and peers. And, obviously, things did not work out between the girl and I. Things became complicated and I eventually realized that the personality I was so attached to was as fake as the people she claimed to be.
It was a pretty shitty situation, but it taught me not to trust people I meet online so easily and helped me learn more about myself. I would never change anything that has happened because if not I would not be where I am at today. I’m as happy as Kristen Bell when she sees sloths.