Okay, I’m not literally stuck in a maze. If I were, I probably wouldn’t be writing about it here right now. Unless it had Internet and I had my computer with me. But then I would probably be Googling “how to get out of a maze,” instead of writing about it here… Maybe.
I spent all morning trying to write a decent blog post, but I kept editing and deleting parts of it until I finally started over again and again. I wanted to mention the writing block I have been in, but I wasn’t satisfied with anything I wrote. Basically, if you looked up “writer’s block” in the dictionary an unflattering photo of me with mismatched pajamas sitting on the couch while facepalming would most likely pop up.
My recent hit of writer’s block is not from a lack of ideas or topics to write about – I just haven’t been feeling like writing. I haven’t been feeling like doing much of anything even though I have a lot of things I need and want to do. I just can’t bring myself to do them.
Lately I have been in a (certainly not severe, just irritable) depression that keeps coming and going for weeks at a time. It wouldn’t be so bad if my anxiety wasn’t acting up so much, too. Actually, the anxiety is what has been bothering me the most. The depression is just a mild add-on. So now I am stuck in a figurative maze of anxiety and depression.
I was originally comparing it to the talk Simba and Mufasa had in The Lion King about the circle of life because sometimes it’s like a circle that never really ends. Except it’s less fucked up because it’s not a circle about you dying and becoming grass. Or antelope eating your grassy remains. But it’s still fucked up because you suddenly overthink everything until you become oversensitive, or you’re already oversensitive and the overthinking just makes it worse. (Or at least that’s how it has been for me.)
But life isn’t like a circle at all. Like anxiety and depression, life is bumpy rather than smooth. So I started to compare them to octagons because they’re bumpy as hell. But, aside from the shapes of life, anxiety and depression aren’t like octagons at all. They’re more like a huge maze that’s hard to escape.
You often become lost while aimlessly trying to escape. Maybe you find hints or try tips that seem to be working until you realize they’re leading you to another dead-end. So you re-trace your steps and try another path until you hopefully and eventually find your way out of it. Sometimes you’re wary and worried, but sometimes you deny that you’re lost. Sometimes you might not even realize you’re lost until you pass the same statue for the fourth damn time.
Everyone experiences the maze differently, and that’s okay because no matter what there is always a way out of it. You might not always see the maze’s exit, but it’s there waiting on you. And when you do find it, you will know that everything was okay even when you didn’t feel it.