I was going to use the word “poopy” in the title of this post, but when is that word ever really acceptable? You know, unless you’re potty training a kid or using that instead of “shitty” around the lil’ anklebiters. But since I already said it: Yesterday’s Walmart adventure was
The past couple of days have been pretty boring, so I wanted to do something to break the routine. Which… A trip to Walmart might not seem like such a big deal, but I just wanted out of the house. So when my mom was on her lunch break, I got dressed and headed out to Walmart with her. I was hoping it would be like my last Walmart adventure, but this adventure sucked. There wasn’t even penis-covered tablet cases anymore.
It started off okay; I even saw Lilly Singh’s new book out, which totally excited me because I LOVE her YouTube videos. And then I bought it online from Barnes and Noble because their’s was cheaper AND signed. I’m going to swoon when it comes in. I also found a cute owl wax warmer for the Harry Potter wax melt that was gifted to me. From then on, it went down hill fast. Why? Because I’ve been to Walmart hundreds of times. I am always having to pick up groceries or my brother’s medication, so I am always looking around in there. I’ve pretty much seen it all so many times that the adventure becomes lackluster. Which, in retrospect, can you really expect more than that from a trip to Walmart?
After an hour, I decided to sit out in the van to be alone and charge my phone. I decided to message a friend to see if she wanted to talk on Skype, but after over an hour of waiting on a reply I deleted the message because I figured she was busy. And, honestly, didn’t think she has been interested in talking to me. It’s silly, but when it comes to friends I get really insecure. I start to feel annoying when I message them first or go on about things they might not care about, so I shut up. And then when I start to feel like they don’t really want to talk to me anymore or as if they have lost interest, I start to fade and shut them out. And sit in the van, alone and sad, while wishing I had stayed in bed.
When they go without talking to me, too, I switch between two thoughts:
- “I’m glad they’re not upset by me being quiet; I can be quiet as much as I need.” – As an insecure introvert with anxiety and depression, quiet time alone is like a sanctuary.
- “I wish they would actually talk to me, but what if they just don’t want to?” – However, instead of a sanctuary, sometimes it is more like a curse.
There are times when I want to be social and chat it up with everyone, but I can’t always bring myself to do so. I tend to rely on others to talk to me first – not to be petty, but to get that push. Sometimes, like yesterday and today, I give myself that push and try to talk to my friends, but after a while of them not reading my messages or trying to talk to me I just panic, delete the messages, and go back to my hiding place until I shake off the negative thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes we just have to dust off the negativity and look for the brighter things in life. But we should always remember that, as Jenny Lawson often says, depression lies. People do care about you, even when your brain tells you that they couldn’t care less.