I went on an adventure at Walmart.

I went on an adventure at Walmart.

Something that not too many know about me is that I like to refer everything – even the most mundane of tasks – as adventures. Going shopping? Have a dentist appointment? Taking your dog on a walk at 6 AM? Congratulations! You are going on an adventure. Doesn’t that sound fun? Yes? No? Okay.

It might sound like I am just getting excited over these things or that I enjoy going to the dentist or waking up early, but in reality I just call them “adventures” to actually get myself to do it rather than stay in bed and hide all day. Besides, who doesn’t want to say that they went on an adventure?

My latest adventure was at a place that I usually dread going to: Walmart. You know, the place where the employees tend to disappear as soon as you need one. The place that is almost always out of that one thing that you always run out of. The place full of screaming children, teenagers having buggy (don’t look at me like that – in my hometown shopping carts are referred to as buggies and that is what I always knew them to be, so shhhh) races, and people who leave their buggies in the middle of the aisle as they walk off to grab something (because they just couldn’t bring their buggies with them and prefer blocking the aisle off). The place with almost no check-out lanes open so that customers can line up until they’re all the way in apparel. Yeah, that place. My mom likes to refer to it as hell, but I keep trying to remind her that hell is actually warm and Walmart’s heating sucks, so unless hell had to do some cut-backs or its heating system broke, Walmart isn’t quite hell. It’s similar, but it still isn’t that bad. Sometimes.

The funny thing about Walmart is that, oddly enough, the most strangest things seem to happen there. Or at least that is how it’s like at my local Walmart. You never know if a guy is going to run around the store in only his underwear (yes, it did happen and there are pictures) or if a guy is going to take a knife into the bathroom, cut his neck with it, and then buy it while the employees call him an ambulance (I swear I am not making this shit up). You might even come across a hearse that’s being used for an ice cream truck (SERIOUSLY PEOPLE). Maybe you will find a can of cookie dough hidden inside a slipper or an empty Coke can inside the pocket of a shirt you was thinking about buying (now that was just laziness). Or even a baggy holding a questionable green substance in the parking lot (I’m pretty sure we both know what that probably was). Perhaps you will even come across the same thing I did last night: Tablet cases with penises “drawn” on them.

IT’S BEAUTIFUL ART.

I actually didn’t notice the penis-covered cases until I heard two girls laughing nearby, saying, “Oh my God, only at Walmart!” I was nosy curious when I heard that, so I walked towards the direction of the endless giggling. It went like this:

Girl 1, cackling away: Oh my God, only at Walmart!

Girl 2, almost in tears: I love this city!

Me: *creeps nearby to see what the commotion was about*

Girl 1: Wait, let’s take selfies with it!

Girl 2: Good idea– hold on, this one looks weird. Let me fix it.

Me: *TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LAUGH MY ASS OFF*

Girl 2, after fixing the deformed penis and taking selfies: I wonder who did it– *notices me* I didn’t do it, I swear!

Girl 1: *CREASING*

Girl 2, crying from laughing so hard: I swear I didn’t!

We might not have spoken or became best friends, but there is no doubt that the three of us bonded over those penis-covered tablets for a moment, and that is something I will always cherish. In the meantime, after the girls had left and my mom finished talking to a customer, I pulled her aside and, in the most dignified voice I could muster while trying to keep a straight face, said, “As a concerned citizen, I have something to show you.”

I walked her to the area with the penis-covered tablets – partly because I knew someone would eventually come and complain and partly because I knew her reaction would be hilarious – and didn’t even have to point them out. The first words out of her mouth? “GOOD GOD, PEOPLE. WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS– I bet it was [friend].” While it could have been anyone, I wouldn’t have put it past her friend to do that. Or the other employees who OBVIOUSLY SAW THE PENISES ON THE TABLET COVERS AND IGNORED THEM AS THEY WALKED BY. Or anyone in the entire city because we’re all kind of goofy and immature, but in a good way (mostly).

Alas, the penises were removed, but the true question is for how long? I will be sure to keep you all posted on if I see them back or not.

My next stop was the toys department – it wasn’t going to be my next stop until my mom walked by with a cart full of huge Nerf guns that someone had left laying around here and there in electronics. Suddenly I needed one. Why? Because you can’t call yourself an adult unless you have a giant Nerf gun just in case there is ever a Nerf war or if zombies rose from the ground and were weak enough to be killed (again) by Nerf darts. That’s just commonsense.

I didn’t end up getting one, but I seriously thought about it. And it’s the thought that counts, right? Or does that only apply to greeting cards and gifts? Either way, I thought about it. And I picked up a few that I am still thinking about getting (ANOTHER ADVENTURE, WOO). Did you know that they all have a warning label that says to not look in the blaster? What do they even plan to accomplish by that? It was literally the first thing I did after I read the label. And I probably wouldn’t have if not for the warning label. NOT SO SMART, ARE YOU? (Says the girl who literally looked into the blaster after the warning label said not to. What can I say? I’m a rebel.)

I probably spent most of my time on this adventure in the arts & crafts section. I have been feeling rather crafty lately, so I probably went in and out of the coloring aisle a dozen times while looking for a colored pencil sharpener and maybe some new colored pencils to color You Are Here with. Did I get the pencil sharpener? Yes, and it was great until it screwed up my pink colored pencil.

We don’t talk about Pinkie anymore… And yes, that is the cover to an Attack on Titan coloring book.

However, out of the arts & crafts section, much more than the coloring aisle, I spent most of my time in the journal and notebooks aisle. For some reason I just love getting new journals and notebooks, but I almost never use them. Seriously. I have about 14 of them in my room that have never been touched. Why? Because I don’t know what to put in them. I don’t want to just use them for Math scribbles or to write down random things like phone numbers or confirmation numbers. That’s what my phone and tablet is for. I want to write stories and even about really personal things. Writing is the one way I can open my heart without fears or worries. It’s the only way I really let all of my feelings and thoughts out. Sometimes it’s just through characters, acting out how I feel (but in totally different scenarios). Sometimes I just literally write down how I feel or things that have happened. By writing down, I mean typed. But lately I have really wanted to push pen-to-paper and write out both of these things. And I think that is something I am going to start doing from now on. So I got one last notebook and some pencils (they have cute foxes and owls and raccoons on them!) to write with, and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I chose one with an anchor on it. I will use it either for personal works or writing out fanfiction (the ship sails itself! Get it??) or write about myself like the narcissistic bitch I apparently am. (It fits because sometimes I feel anchored down. PUNS.)

My last stop before checking out was the trading card aisle because my brother wanted me to look for WWE dog tags. Spoiler alert: There wasn’t any. I did, however, find candy. And this time it wasn’t Pez in collectible containers.

Oh, look, chocolate with a toy inside. NICE TRY. This does not make up for the US not allowing Kinder Eggs.

What will happen on my next adventure? Who knows. I don’t* even know when my next adventure will be.

 

* I lied. My next adventure will be tonight when I go out to watch Beauty and the Beast. But I probably won’t write about it unless something happens that can top penis-covered tablet cases. And honestly? That’s pretty hard to beat.

 

12 thoughts on “I went on an adventure at Walmart.

  1. This post is so full of win.

    Kinder Eggs. Yes. Good grief, most of our food is plastic ANYWAY. SHEESH

    Next. The penises. That’s a nice change; usually the obscenities are in the crafts aisle, as there are letters there. Sometimes it’s a creative arrangement of tea towels.

    Third. The mid-aisle abandoned carts. My approach is to toss in a bonus purchase. Like an enema. The hubs? Nope. He just shoves the cart forward and lets it self-patrol down the aisle. (Especially rewarding if a child is in the cart.) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THEIR CHERUBIC FACES LMAO

    1. Right?? How is it we can have WonderBalls and these Finding Dory snacks, but not Kinder Eggs? Go home America, you’re drunk.

      I agree, it was nice to see the penises in electronics rather than drawn on the arts & crafts displays or in the home decor department. I’m just waiting on someone to use shoes to make a giant penis…

      I should start doing that! Oh my God, just find the weirdest (but not expensive) product like unicorn earphones for kids or a rubber chicken. Or condoms. But I like your husband’s way of dealing with those carts. (I’m just imaging the children either freaking out or getting excited. LMAO)

        1. Lmao, at least y’all can get a good laugh out of it. Besides, why leave a cart with children abandoned mid-aisle when you could just push the cart with you?

          1. Either you’ll save the world from future from neglected carts or you’ll leave someone an awkward moment at the register (or, ahem, an interesting night). LOL

          2. No abandoned carts are safe from this vigilante… All cart users are asked to keep their carts within reach at all times, or else.

          3. They should require use of those leash things to ensure you stay with your cart. Honestly that would help…because I abandon my cart and wander off at times, too….ADD in a superstore is challenging. The hubs has lost me in Home Depot pretty much every time we’ve gone. lol

          4. It’s more about the cart being abandoned in the middle of the aisle in such a way that no one can walk by that gets me, lmao. There was a guy in a wheelchair who needed through the last time it happened, so a one of those leash things could actually be very helpful. 😛 And lmao, next time you should start playing Marco Polo.

          5. It’s more or less the people who blatantly say, “We need bread. Don’t worry about the cart, let’s just go get the bread.” And walk off on purpose with the intention of abandoning their children for 10 minutes in a huge grocery store for something like bread or a new iPad. Lmaooo

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