Even though I like to pretend otherwise and act like everything is great, the stars are always there to remind me of everything I try to ignore. Well, unless it’s cloudy. Then it’s the howling wind that figuratively knocks me down.
There is something about nighttime that is so intellectually and emotionally freeing that, while it may seem like a good thing, manages to make me overthink or even release all of the emotions I had been desperately holding in. Maybe it’s because there are less distractions, or perhaps it is because that’s the one time throughout the day that I’m left alone with my thoughts. Personally, I’d like to think it’s the freckles of the sky that evoke what I spend the day ignoring.
For the past couple of days I have been in a good mood, but it always goes away just as the sun does. Then I realize that the good mood has been nothing but me hiding how I really feel deep down; a scrambling tumbleweed of bitchiness, fearfulness, and even pain from recent events. Even I get fooled by this charade of jokes and giggles, but when I look up at the stars in the sky it all begins to hit me. It’s easy to get caught up by the burst of emotions and thoughts when you know that they are just meaningless specks; just a small and insignificant moment compared to the rest of your life and that of the stars. Suddenly it’s okay to cry or be mad or to be in a momentary frenzy because that’s all it is. This is something a friend and I had talked about for a bit while I was tipsy (and that might be the most adult sentence I have written in 2017 so far).
Last night, before it started storming, I went out on a walk and gazed at the stars. This is something I do every night, but this time was one of the moments where I had one of the previously described emotional tumbleweeds come up from its hiding place and rear its ugly head. And I finally let it out. I cried a little, hugged my pillow, and had a few Oreos – then I wrote a letter that I will never send to someone who will never read it about things I will never say to them – all before going to bed early and having a crazy dream that I have already mostly forgotten (aside from the fact that the Obama family were in my zombie apocalypse group, which was actually pretty cool).
It felt good to actually let it all out for a moment. I guess I just need to crash and burn for a couple of days and get it out of my system instead of shoving all my problems in the back of my closet (I told you guys it was getting cramped).
On a lighter note, does anyone else watch the stars every night? Because none of my immediate family does and neither does most of my friends, so I’m curious.