My closet is getting cramped…

My closet is getting cramped…

I am gay, and I am definitely not happy. I guess this is me coming out here. Usually I try to make some sort of pun or joke right about now, but this is something seriously important to me.

My sexual orientation is important to me; it’s part of who I am. It is a part of me that I have hidden from my family for nearly four years now. That and the fact that I, a 21-year-old, talk to people on the Internet that I have never met in person despite my mother being strongly against it. I feel like I live a double life, and I am sick of it.

All throughout my childhood I never really had crushes on boys. I was never flustered or had that moment of puppy love – I didn’t even crush on that one popular boy or that particular kid actor around my age. I wasn’t obsessed with the musicians and singers in boy bands – just their music. I didn’t try to hold hands or fantasize about getting my first kiss by guys in my classes. I would blush when my friends tried to pair me up with a guy because I was embarrassed, but never because I was interested. I never felt like I fit in, and it took me most of my short life to realize why. And then it made sense.

I am a lesbian, and I am proud of that fact. It’s part of who I am and who I have always been, even before I realized it. I am tired of hiding pieces of myself from everyone. I am tired of being treated like a child and living this double life. I am tired of being afraid of showing my prideful colors on online accounts with my name attached. But most of all, I am tired of not being true to myself when I am offline. I have always thought that living in a laundry-filled Narnia would protect me, but all it has ever done is hurt me.

I might not come out to my family just yet, but it’s coming. I know that my brother had found this blog not long ago and that he will probably show everyone if he sees this, but I don’t care. Maybe coming out won’t be the smartest thing I could do, but I feel like I need to or else I might just explode. But maybe, just maybe, it could be the very change I need to be able to live my life a little happier and a little more worry free. It’s scary and hard – I know the reactions will probably hurt – but I need to do this for me.

So when I am ready, if my brother does not do it already, I’m coming out.

8 thoughts on “My closet is getting cramped…

  1. I am so proud of you, friend. You are the version of you that you’re supposed to be, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
    Also, I loved this line: “a laundry-filled Narnia.”

  2. You got this. I long for the day when there aren’t assumptions at all and people can just…BE.

    I for one have worked really hard to ask people about their “spouse” vs. husband or wife unless I know. I’m hoping that makes people more comfortable vs. having to correct a mistaken assumption of hetero.

    High five!

    1. Thank you! I still haven’t done it yet and I don’t think he’s seen this post. Right now I’m just anxiously trying to figure out when and how. And same here! It makes no sense for people to just make assumptions and hate people for things they can’t even help.

      That’s really awesome of you though! A lot of people just assume, which makes it awkward and nerve-wracking to correct them. It really does help!
      High five!

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