I am gay, and I am definitely not happy. I guess this is me coming out here. Usually I try to make some sort of pun or joke right about now, but this is something seriously important to me.
My sexual orientation is important to me; it’s part of who I am. It is a part of me that I have hidden from my family for nearly four years now. That and the fact that I, a 21-year-old, talk to people on the Internet that I have never met in person despite my mother being strongly against it. I feel like I live a double life, and I am sick of it.
All throughout my childhood I never really had crushes on boys. I was never flustered or had that moment of puppy love – I didn’t even crush on that one popular boy or that particular kid actor around my age. I wasn’t obsessed with the musicians and singers in boy bands – just their music. I didn’t try to hold hands or fantasize about getting my first kiss by guys in my classes. I would blush when my friends tried to pair me up with a guy because I was embarrassed, but never because I was interested. I never felt like I fit in, and it took me most of my short life to realize why. And then it made sense.
I am a lesbian, and I am proud of that fact. It’s part of who I am and who I have always been, even before I realized it. I am tired of hiding pieces of myself from everyone. I am tired of being treated like a child and living this double life. I am tired of being afraid of showing my prideful colors on online accounts with my name attached. But most of all, I am tired of not being true to myself when I am offline. I have always thought that living in a laundry-filled Narnia would protect me, but all it has ever done is hurt me.
I might not come out to my family just yet, but it’s coming. I know that my brother had found this blog not long ago and that he will probably show everyone if he sees this, but I don’t care. Maybe coming out won’t be the smartest thing I could do, but I feel like I need to or else I might just explode. But maybe, just maybe, it could be the very change I need to be able to live my life a little happier and a little more worry free. It’s scary and hard – I know the reactions will probably hurt – but I need to do this for me.
So when I am ready, if my brother does not do it already, I’m coming out.