Yesterday, I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time… That I know of.
It was so terrifying.
I was in the middle of a nightmare, and I can barely remember all the details. Essentially, it was about these creatures that bore a strong resemblance to the Infected from The Last of Us targeting and killing random people. The only major differences was the fact that they showed some sort of intelligence (they could talk) and no matter what, they empty their victim’s pockets, wallets, purses – whatever – and leave their body with no more than 10% of the contents. It was weird as hell.
At some point, one of the creatures started going after me and I went to hide in a bathroom stall. It almost seemed as if the creature knew me, because its pitched voice seemed so familiar with my name. Suddenly, just as it had found me and was about to attack, I woke up. Except I couldn’t move a muscle.
I knew that I was awake and that it was a nightmare, but I was still really freaked out. Not being able to hop out of bed to calm my nerves didn’t help either, though it only lasted for maybe five minutes. I couldn’t even open my eyes, no matter how hard I tried. It was as if my muscles had shut down and the unnerving feeling of fearfulness had washed over me. All the while I could still “hear” the creature’s steps.
Yeah, it was a freaky experience, regardless of it lasting a relatively short amount of time. Now I’m knee-deep in articles trying to understand sleep paralysis a little better, oh joy.
Guys, I think I had my first major breakthrough of 2018. And, of course, I have a video game to thank for it.
You ever meet someone so vile that something they obsessed over repulsed you simply because it reminded you of them? It just leaves a bitter taste in your mouth whenever you see advertisements or posts about whatever it is?
For me, that person was a girl that was, in a way, a huge part of my life. And not in the nicest of ways. She lied all the time and messed with my emotions like it was a game, so obviously I wouldn’t get super into the video game that she obsessed over. Not when it reminded me of so many bad memories with her.
But after getting a PlayStation 4 from my brother after he had gotten a PS4 Pro for Christmas and not having many games in my library yet, I decided to finally give the aforementioned video game a chance… Life is Strange.
Oh no, I’m not calling life strange – although it totally is – that’s the title.
Honestly, I had been thinking about giving Life is Strange another try for a while now. A choice-based game with LGBT themes and female leads? Sign me up! But… I had always been discouraged because I didn’t want to think about her. I wanted the bad memories to stay in the past, and for me to be concerned about them floating back up was enough for me to know that it would be a bad idea. Except the possibility of missing out on a good game because of someone that is no longer in my life seemed too ridiculous. And it was ridiculous, because I ended up LOVING Life is Strange so much.
The characters and story were amazing, though I’m sure there is always something we players would like to change (which there definitely is). I realized just how much I had been missing out on something that I would have gotten super interested in if I had just given it a chance, and how childish it was for me to not give it a chance simply because of an experience with one bad person.
Sometimes we push ourselves away from nice things – be it just a video game or something much greater – just because we connect them with bad memories or terrible people. I have no doubt that we all have at one point done this, but sometimes we just have to let go and not let these memories or people hold us back.
Just trying out Life is Strange proved this to me, and it also proved to me that once we do try these things out, they have the potential to take on a new meaning. It has for me, and it can for you, too.
Guys, I want to wholeheartedly apologize for my last of posts. I have a TON of drafts that just never got finished, and now I’m not really feeling them. But hey, they say that with a new year comes a clean slate, right?
I also REALLY need to apologize ahead of time for any grammar errors in this post or if I write something that doesn’t make sense. I spent New Year’s Eve at work, and I’m making up for it by ringing in the new year right now. In other words, I’ve had a few glasses of champagne and now I’m either tipsy or unnaturally disoriented. Oh boy.
I usually don’t follow the whole “New Years Resolutions” deal. I mean, we can make plans and set goals any day. We shouldn’t wait a whole year just to better ourselves. But those thoughts be damned, because I have decided to join the bandwagon and be a little traditional for once. Maybe it’s because 2017 was such a huge letdown, or maybe it’s just the ever-so-appealing idea of a clean slate.
I guess in the end it’s just me wanting to actually make goals and follow through with them. I don’t want to just plan and talk about it. I want to take action. Of course, there will be a ton of planning, but it’s about time that I follow through with these plans. And just because I’m starting 2018 with these plans doesn’t mean I, myself, am going to be someone new. I will always be me. No matter what changes in my life – even if random things about my self changes – I will always be me. In fact, my number one resolution is to embrace myself. Everything so far has just been baby steps. It’s about time that I unapologetically be myself without worrying about what people think. Also, apparently “unapologetically” is not a real word. Riiight.
I also want to write more. Whether it is pen-to-paper or fingers-to-keyboard, I owe it to myself to work on what I’m most passionate about without all of the self-doubt and fears. I want to put myself out there in the literature world. I’ve actually already kind of started… I made a new FanFiction account and have started writing a little story that I’ve had on my mind for a while. I’m still totally self-conscious about it, but I’m proud of myself for at least starting on something. Maybe eventually I’ll work up to writing my own stuff. But until then, this is good practice.
And finally, the last major resolution on my list is activism. I want to be a voice in the communities I am in. As a woman, a lesbian, and a feminist, I want to contribute and support the communities that have even given me the opportunity to have a voice. I want to be part of positive changes around the world. I want to give back and be part of a greater change. I want a better world for everyone, and even if it doesn’t happen right now… Well, at least we can give the future generations a head start.
Maybe some of these sound silly or juvenile, but hey, at least it’s something.
Lastly, I just want to say one final “screw you!” to 2017, and a hearty “FINALLY” to 2018.
Happy New Year, y’all! What are your resolutions?
PS. Sorry for possible obnoxiousness. I’ve put down the champagne for now.
Long time, no see, guys! I have been meaning to post here for so long now, but I keep getting side-tracked. Well, that and the fact that I spent a great deal of time in a not-so-great place due to everything going on. After all of those losses in the family and all of the drama that started, it’s just been pretty stressful, y’know? I hadn’t been feeling much like myself lately and everything just feels like a much bigger deal than it really is. With all of this happening, though, at least I have found solace in stories and music. I’m getting back to feeling more like myself, ignoring a few slight derails here and there. I guess getting lost in good reading material and awesome tunes is the best medicine. After laughter and time, of course.
Anyways, back to the topic at hand!
My office is currently doing this thing for Thanksgiving where every time you get a sale, you earn one “dollar.” For every ten “dollars,” you can exchange them for a blank turkey feather coloring page. You are then tasked to color the feather, write what you’re thankful for, and sign your name. Once it has been completed, the feathers get hung on the wall. It might seem pretty childish or boring, but I have decided to have my own kind of fun with it by making up corny one-liners for potential feathers. Here’s a few that have randomly come to me at work:
I am thankful for…
Clocks because they always have time for me.
Elevators because they are always there during my ups and downs.
The wind because it blows me away.
Corners for always being around.
90-degree-angles for always being right.
The sun for brightening my days.
My feet for always taking me where I need to go.
Trust me, there will much more one-liners as November progresses. I am positive of that.
Despite this bit of fun, a lot has happened in recent months. I got to meet the wonderful Aly and AJ Michalka – my inner 10 year old was doing flips – and I even got their autographs! And Stan Lee’s, too! They are all hanging proudly in my room. I’ll have to come back here tomorrow and add the pictures to this post.
I also went to my first real concert last month. My friend and I went to see Paramore at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, TN. They sound AMAZING live! Hayley Williams has practically stolen my heart. I nearly fell over with excitement when they started playing Brick by Boring Brick and That’s What You Get. I didn’t even get home until 3 AM, but it was totally worth it. The only thing is that I was super exhausted during the drive back, and I really don’t like sleeping in the car. I just feel guilty sleeping when someone else is having to stay up and drive over two hours home. So, I did the only thing I could think of in order to stay up: Start up a conversation. I thought it was going pretty well, but after a while I didn’t even realize what I was talking about. Apparently, sleep deprivation makes me talk like a stoner who just swallowed a pan of “special” brownies. Note to self: Get some sort of sleep before even the shortest of trips.
I guess that just about covers some updates since my last post, hopefully. I really need and want to get back in the habit of writing here. It’s kind of like therapy, but it’s also so much more. This blog is like a virtual scrapbook-ish place that I can pour my heart and thoughts in to.
How have you guys been? Anything new going on in your lives?
-PS, I skipped out on NaNoWriMo this year. Maybe next year I’ll be up for the challenge.
Getting one when you need it can make your day a thousand times better.
I don’t really get hugs – except virtual hugs from one of my best friends whenever they’re trying to cheer me up – that often, but I definitely welcome them at the moment. Virtual or not.
Every time I wake up, the first thing I hear every “morning” is news of a new death. I don’t even know how to describe it. Ever since my birthday last week, someone – or something – has died. It’s been a toss up between an animal on my porch or in my yard, or a relative I vaguely remember but still cared about. Every day has been a new heartbreak, and I’m not sure how much more of it I can handle.
I’ve wanted to cry this whole time, but I can’t. I want to, I need to, but I can’t even manage to force out the tears dancing around in my eyes. I haven’t had a good cry in a long time, which is odd for someone who use to cry at anything. Now I just feel numb to the pain.
And yet, even when I’ve come close to breaking down recently, I have some people in my life who have been there to – figuratively – catch me before I fall. They keep me up with random jokes and kind gestures – not out of pity, but out of genuine care. Even if it’s something as small as giving me a random pencil sharpener from their car just so I could use it when it’s their day off.
My heart breaks for those lost in my family, even if I only remember them from memories of when I was a little girl. My soul, however, is thankful for those around me who do anything just to put a smile on my face.
Okay, okay, I know I haven’t posted in a while. I actually had a huge post full of updates that I have been editing, but I thought it’d be better to save that for when I actually have time to make sure I didn’t grammatically screw up anything. Besides, why post that when I can make a post about my birthday instead?
I’m 22 now, meaning it’s almost time for me to get a hip replacement and develop a strange obsession with leaving hard candies in my purse. I’d like to think that with a ferret, three cats, and two dogs, I’ve already landed myself on the “crazy cat lady” spectrum. I’ve already been on a wild nostalgic kick, so I may as well refer to it as me daydreaming about my golden years. You know, back when I could stay up an entire night playing video games and not be exhausted. I definitely miss that.
All jokes aside, I definitely don’t feel any older. I feel exhausted, thanks to a group of kids from my neighborhood knocking on my door ALL DAY while I was trying to sleep because they wanted to play with my cats or borrow my mom’s husband’s soccer ball. Now I’m grumpily eating my rainbow blast birthday cake while seriously considering getting my tubes tied as a late birthday gift… But I think that’s mostly the grumpiness talking. And now, like the cranky old lady I am, I’d like to take a moment to reflect.
A lot has happened since my last birthday; a lot more than I expected to happen. I finished school, even if not in the way I had always hoped. I still plan on going back, but I definitely need a long break. I posted my first fanfic, and I met the fabulous Jenny Lawson. I even got to meet a ton of the cast from The Walking Dead, including my favorite: Melissa McBride. I’ve probably spent half this year starstruck. I started my first job, which has really been helping me with my anxiety and improve my (very poor) social skills.
This year, like my random trips to Walmart but much more exciting, has been an adventure. There’s been difficult times, especially here lately, but there’s almost been wonderful moments in between. I made a goal early this year to start living a life I’d be proud of, and I think I’m on the right track.
I’m looking forward to see what happens next.
PS, still totally going to edit and publish my update post. I’d do it now, but I gotta head to work in a few.
I started to write this long post about my first experience with love, but it was actually harder to write about than I thought it would be. I kept getting off-topic and editing everything over and over again because I wanted to include so many stories of the moments I once shared with a girl who will always have a special place in my heart. Instead, I have decided to narrow the stories down and give each one its own short post here and there in honor of LGBT Pride Month.
It had been two weeks since I last heard from “Beesly,” which was the longest we had ever gone without speaking since meeting. I didn’t really know why she had stopped talking to me all of a sudden, but I knew she must have had her reasons because it was unlike her to just disappear out of nowhere. Part of me was worried that there was a family emergency as she had mentioned that one of her step-sisters was having problems the night before her absence, so all I could do was hope that everything was okay.
One night, I was sitting at the table and was getting ready to take Max on a walk when I felt the need to check my messages. I had been talking to a friend earlier that day and figured he had replied by then, and that is when I saw that my phone was ready to explode with messages from Beesly. She was apologizing for suddenly going quiet and saying how much she missed me, as well as replying to the tons of messages I had left for her to come back to. I had promised to tell her what I thought of The Office, which was her favorite show, and I would send her goofy things so that she had something to laugh at whenever she returned. She was excited that I had fallen in love with The Office and relieved that I had kept messaging her rather than thinking that she had left for good or something.
Before I could even to begin to write back, Max started to bark and tug on his leash because he really needed go outside. I knew it wouldn’t take long and I didn’t want to make Max wait, so I put the phone down and went out. I just felt so happy at the time that I was glad to have a moment alone before anyone could ask me why I was grinning so much. I just felt so happy. The cold air and clear night only boosted my mood as I watched the stars and thought about everything I wanted to say to her.
I found myself standing near a pile of concrete blocks that the construction crew had left in our yard, looking up at the sky… And that’s when I saw it. A shooting star had just disappeared as fast as it had appeared. It was beautiful and bright, and I was surprised because it was the first time I had ever seen one without there being a meteor shower. It was completely out of the blue and was just as unexpected as it was to suddenly hear from Beesly just a few moments prior. I was excited and overwhelmed with happy thoughts and feelings.
Usually I would make wishes whenever I watched a meteor shower even though I knew it was a silly thing to do, but I didn’t that night. I didn’t close my eyes and make a wish because at that moment I felt like I had everything I could ever want. I couldn’t think of a single thing that was better than what was going on at that time.
After walking around with Max for a little while longer, we went in and I finally had a chance to reply to Beesly. She opened up about why she had stayed away and I completely understood because I had been there myself. What mattered most was that she was okay and feeling good.
I went to bed that night – and every night thereafter over the next couple of weeks – with a smile on my face as I thought about everything that happened. It was then that I decided I would find a way to tell her how I felt.
I know, I know, you guys might feel a little nauseated after reading something kind of lovey-dovey. But hey, it’ll all be over on June 30. Then I can get back to being my annoyingly punny self.
I usually don’t talk about how I came around to realizing my sexuality, but that’s because I’m actually super embarrassed of that story. It wasn’t anything exciting or even all that dramatic. Well, it was still a little dramatic, but not because I realized I was a lesbian. It actually just shows how naive and stupid I use to be as a teenager. However, since it is LGBT Pride Month, I’m going to share this story with you guys.
When I was 16 I had been in a long distance relationship for about a year with a slightly older boy in Canada that I met on a game. It was pretty good, but it wasn’t perfect. I mean, he was sweet and funny, but something just didn’t feel right. On top of that, I started to question his true identity. Some things were just not adding up, and that only made my doubts grow.
One night I was browsing Facebook to look for any shred of evidence if the guy (or his family that he introduced me to in chats) even existed. I searched every name I could think of and nothing came up. Finally, I searched the name of one person that I knew was legit because we had talked a couple of times using her grandmother’s Skype. It didn’t take long after that for me to find the truth.
In case you couldn’t tell yet, the truth is that the slightly older boy in Canada (and all of his family, for that matter) was really his friend, the slightly younger girl from Brazil that I had Skyped with. Learning that someone you were so close to lied about nearly everything they had ever told you is a lot like getting hit in the head by a random brick. You’re not sure why it hit you or who threw it, but once you finally come to everything is confusing, your head hurts, and you’re left feeling pissed off. Except, unlike getting hit by a brick, part of me felt relieved.
Suddenly a door opened for me that I didn’t even know existed, and when it did everything actually made sense. I no longer felt guilty about not feeling right about me being with a guy. I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me for never having crushes on any guys my whole life. There was never anything wrong with me, I was just gay. I was always a lesbian even before I realized it. Everything made sense to me and I felt so relieved by that feeling that I was more focused on the relief of knowing there was nothing wrong with me than I was about the girl lying.
Now I am proud of and strongly embrace my true sexuality rather than being ashamed and unhappy with the one that felt forced upon me by the expectations of my family and peers. And, obviously, things did not work out between the girl and I. Things became complicated and I eventually realized that the personality I was so attached to was as fake as the people she claimed to be.
It was a pretty shitty situation, but it taught me not to trust people I meet online so easily and helped me learn more about myself. I would never change anything that has happened because if not I would not be where I am at today. I’m as happy as Kristen Bell when she sees sloths.
You know, I just realized that I have never really celebrated LGBT Pride Month. I didn’t even know there was a month dedicated to celebrating members of the LGBT+ community, but knowing that there is such a thing fills my heart with joy and warmth. You know, until people start complaining about there not being a “Straight Pride” or start claiming that the LGBT+ community is shoving our “choices” down their throats – and yes, this actually happens. It happens so often that I have personally witnessed it, all the while not even knowing about LGBT Pride Month.
Rather than getting off subject and ranting about homophobic bigots, I want to celebrate this year’s LGBT Pride Month here with you folks. So, over the course of this month I will be sharing my personal stories as a member of the LGBT community.
Holy crap, I haven’t made a post in over a month. I honestly didn’t mean to go so long without writing here, especially after my last post being on the slightly dreary side, but it has been a busy month. Super busy. And eventful.
I took my proctored exams early this month and did exactly as I expected: I passed Anatomy and Physiology, and I failed Math. Again. I actually worked hard in this Math class after failing it last semester, and I was doing fine until it came down to the two proctor exams. Suddenly I forgot everything I had learned and spent two hours bullshitting answers in the hopes that they might be correct. Spoiler alert: They weren’t.
I was pretty upset about failing again, especially because I am literally only two classes away from graduating. The only problem is that I would have to re-take the Math class for a semester and then take an even harder Math class the next semester. That doesn’t sound too bad, but now I am totally burnt out from school. I kept having nightmares about forgetting to take my exams during finals week. If there was something I absolutely could not understand in Math (even after doing a ton of searches and watching videos of similar problems being worked out), I would break down and cry because certain things were just too hard for me to do. I had migraines that lasted for several days at a time while trying to complete my work. College Math is hell.
I still plan on going back to school and getting my degree, but it won’t be until fall of next year. I need a break from it before I push myself to finish. In the meantime, I am going to be studying my butt off between now and then so that the third time’s the charm. Hopefully.
While I hate the fact that I flunked the same class twice now, I have been pretty calm about it. Failing a class doesn’t mean you’re stupid, and passing a class doesn’t mean you’re smart. School doesn’t define our intelligence, and that is something I think more people should remember whenever they are starting to feel pressured about passing tests and classes. I wish I had realized this when I was little, that’s for sure.
Immediately after I failed my test (and, by extension, my class), I visited the pet store and adopted a ferret.
I’d also like to clarify that I would never take in an animal in an impulse buy/adopt/whatever – I’ve actually always wanted a ferret and have done extensive research on how to care for them for a while now. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t cheer me up straight away.
I named him Bandit, not because he has the “black mask,” but because my first thought was Smokey and the Bandit because I had the song Eastbound and Down stuck in my head (let’s just be glad that I didn’t name him Buford T. Justice). He’s adorable and playful – it didn’t take him long to adjust here. In fact, he has already gotten bigger and stronger as opposed to the mostly okay condition he was in when I got him. He’s certainly happier now, that’s for sure.
He might wake me up at 6 AM every morning, but he’s certainly a little sweetheart and I already love him so much. The cats were curious about him at first, but now they don’t care at all. Max is still afraid of him, but Boo absolutely loves the little guy. They play together every day, which is so freaking adorable. The cats don’t really care for him and mostly just want his toys. I could honestly go on for hours about him (and my other pets for that matter, I just love them all so much).
Two of my friends introduced me to Eurovision – or, as we call it, “Glittery Hellfire” – and it was beautiful. For those of you who might not know, Eurovision is basically a singing competition between European countries. It’s apparently considered the biggest European event of the year, and I can totally see why. I mean, look at that braid. It’s even better when you find out that the Epic Sax Guy meme originated from Eurovision when SunStroke Project represented the country of Moldova. And then they represented Moldova again this year and it was AMAZING.
I would have been rooting for them if I wasn’t so in love with Romania’s entry. (I mean, what’s better than rap + yodeling?? Nothing, hence this snazzy title.) I have been listening to their song – Yodel It! – on repeat ever since. It’s actually pretty good. Actually, most of the songs this year were amazing. I just want to make a playlist of my favorites and listen to them on long drives.
It was nice watching Eurovision live with them while we collectively spam the group chat we made with comments and cheers. It was mostly us comparing different singers to their actor look-a-likes and complaining about not seeing Verka yet (followed by disappointment and obscenities over Portugal winning).
In other words, Eurovision 2017 was AWESOME and I can’t believe I never heard of it until recently. We’re already excited for next year.
I also got a job recently; my first very real job. I was so nervous during the interview that I would answer the questions with a tangent of awkwardness, which would then make me forget the original question for a second. I was so nervous that, after admitting my nervousness, I got so tongue-tied for a short moment that I almost wanted to walk out from embarrassment. But I didn’t, which I would like to think showed how dedicated I am because I was offered the job several minutes later.
I am so excited about working, but I am also a little nervous. Maybe not extremely nervous, but just enough to have had a bad dream – though not quite a nightmare – in which I was saying all of the wrong things, accidentally breaking the rules, and not reaching my quota. Once I woke up and remembered my dream, I thought that I would have been even more nervous. I thought my anxiety would suddenly go through the roof. But unlike the nightmares I had during finals week, it didn’t.
In fact, I felt so much better after having such a crappy dream that most of my nervousness before has since gone away. Maybe it’s because I realized that even if I get slightly tongue-tied for a moment, I’ll bounce back like a ball. And because I know my first day will never be as bizarre and messed up as my dream. There is no way that I would accidentally drop two phones in a toilet that randomly showed up beside my desk.
I know that it’s normal to be nervous about starting your first job, but I also know that I am determined to work hard and to do the very best that I can. I kind of wish I had answered the interview questions as confidently as I feel now, but at least I can use this shred of confidence when I start working in a few days.
Along with all of that, I have been slowly getting out of that funk I was in. Last month was a real doozy because I just felt so numb and sad, but lately I have been feeling a lot better. Between adopting a sweet ferret, watching amazing performances with some Internet buddies, and getting ready to start my first job, how can I not feel so much better?
2017, for me, has already been one helluva ride, but with every down has been an even bigger up. So many things has changed in such a short time, but I’m ready to see what the rest of the year brings. I’m ready for changes and unexpected moments. I have a smile on my face, the sweetest friends, and a heart full of love, so no matter what type of “down” might suddenly pop in, there will always be an even bigger and better “up” waiting patiently.
Oh, and I realized that I still had feelings for someone when I clearly shouldn’t, so that’s something, too, I guess.